Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were

sitting on a bench

under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches

and pains.

I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my

pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,

and after eating, the wives left the table and went into

the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was

really great.

would recommend it very

highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the

restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,

"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you

love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yell ed,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to

last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients

being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one

elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase

at his feet,

who insisted he! didn't need my help to leave the

hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules,

he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.

"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of

her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems

remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're

physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to

help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up

from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can

remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that.

You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget

that,

write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I

can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got

it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the

kitchen

and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new

hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the

art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a

physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris

walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on

his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and

said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:

'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,

'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

One more . . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream

parlor

and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."